The Real Reasons Couples Fight: How Couples Therapy Helps Reveal What’s Underneath

Couples Therapist in Ottawa, Relationship Therapy, Attachment Therapy

Couples often come to therapy saying, “We keep fighting about the same things.” Chores. Tone. Sex. Money. Time. Parenting. These recurring arguments can feel exhausting and discouraging, and many couples even start to wonder whether they’re incompatible.

But in couples therapy, one thing becomes clear again and again: most relationship conflict isn’t actually about what couples are fighting about. Instead, these fights are often signals pointing to deeper emotional needs, attachment wounds, and fears that haven’t yet found words.

So why does the same argument keep happening? When a conflict begins, one partner often pushes for change, clarity, or reassurance, while the other responds by defending themselves or pulling away. Both partners often end up feeling frustrated and misunderstood. Because the real issue underneath the argument isn’t named, the same fight resurfaces again and again, sometimes with increasing intensity. What follows are some of the most common things couples fight about, and what those conflicts are usually really about beneath the surface.

Chores and Household Responsibilities

Arguments about chores often sound practical at first. One partner feels overwhelmed and resentful, believing they carry more of the household load. The other feels criticized and unappreciated, convinced that nothing they do is ever enough.

In therapy, it becomes clear that this conflict is rarely about dishes, laundry, or cleaning schedules. It is about feeling unseen. The partner who carries more responsibility often longs for acknowledgment and appreciation, while the other longs to feel competent and valued rather than judged. What both partners are really asking, in different ways, is whether their efforts and presence matter.

Tone of Voice and Communication Style

Some couples find themselves repeatedly arguing about tone. “It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.” For the partner on the receiving end, a sharp tone, raised voice, or emotional distance can feel deeply unsettling.

These reactions often have little to do with the present moment and much more to do with earlier experiences of criticism, dismissal, or emotional unpredictability. The nervous system reacts quickly, interpreting certain tones as a sign of danger or rejection. Beneath the argument about communication style is a much more vulnerable question: "Am I emotionally safe to stay engaged when things are hard?"

Sex and Intimacy

Conflicts about sex are among the most painful and misunderstood in long-term relationships. One partner may experience a lack of sex as rejection or proof that they are no longer desired. The other may experience sex as pressure, obligation, or a loss of autonomy.

When couples focus only on frequency or desire mismatches, they miss what is actually happening emotionally. These fights are often about closeness, reassurance, and the fear of being unwanted, or the fear of being needed in a way that feels overwhelming. At the core, partners are trying to understand whether they are still wanted and whether they can be close without losing themselves.

Money and Finances

Money arguments often present as disagreements about spending habits, saving, or financial responsibility. Yet money quickly becomes emotional because it is so closely tied to security, trust, and control. Partners often bring very different family-of-origin experiences into these conversations. For one person, money may represent safety and stability. For the other, it may represent freedom or independence. When these differences collide, the argument is rarely about numbers alone. Rather, it's about whether each partner can trust the other to protect their shared future.

Time, Attention, and Priorities

Arguments about time frequently sound like complaints about phones, work, or busyness. One partner feels constantly pushed aside, while the other feels criticized for how they cope with stress or manage responsibilities. What makes these conflicts so painful is the loneliness underneath them. Time becomes symbolic of importance. The deeper question being asked is not how many hours are spent together, but whether one feels chosen, valued, and emotionally connected within the relationship.

Parenting Differences

Parenting disagreements often escalate quickly because they touch on identity, values, and old wounds. Being told you are too strict or too lenient can feel like a judgment on your competence as both a parent and a partner. These conflicts frequently reactivate childhood experiences and fears of failing in one of the most important roles a person holds. Beneath the argument is a longing for support, respect, and reassurance that both partners are working toward the same goals.

When to Consider Couples Therapy

Couples therapy, especially Emotionally Focused and Attachment-Based Therapy, isn’t about who’s right or wrong; rahter, it’s about understanding what each partner is really reacting to. By recognizing emotional triggers and attachment needs, blame softens and vulnerability grows, reducing the intensity of recurring arguments. Therapy can help you understand the deeper issues and respond in more secure, meaningful ways.

If this resonates, contact us to explore our virtual and in-person therapy options in the Ottawa area and take the first step toward breaking old patterns and communicating more safely.

Article written by Maryse Hebert, MA, Registered Psychotherapist and Clinical Director at Aura Counselling Services