What Is a Secure Functioning Relationship? A Guide for Couples Seeking a Stronger, Safer Bond

“Secure Functioning is being in a relationship that is fully collaborative, fully mutual, and based on justice, fairness, and sensitivity.” — Dr. Stan Tatkin.

When couples begin exploring how to strengthen their relationship, the concept of a secure-functioning relationship often becomes central to that process. Developed by Dr. Stan Tatkin, founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), secure functioning describes a partnership where both individuals have their attachment needs met and work together as a team. This approach aligns with attachment therapy, which emphasizes emotional safety, mutual responsiveness, and building a supportive relationship system.

Many couples appear connected when life is calm, but true secure functioning becomes most evident under stress. In challenging moments, small cues such as tone of voice, facial expressions, posture, lack of eye contact, or certain word choices can activate the nervous system and make one or both partners feel unsafe or threatened. When this happens, partners may shut down, become defensive, escalate quickly, or misinterpret one another’s intentions. A secure-functioning couple works intentionally to reduce threat, respond sensitively, and repair inevitable ruptures so they can return to connection.

A secure functioning relationship can be compared to two equal shareholders running a company together. Equal partners consult each other before making important decisions, share information openly, align on shared goals, and hold themselves accountable for the wellbeing of the “business.” In the same way, secure-functioning couples recognize that their actions affect the health of the partnership. When one partner struggles, the relationship struggles; when both are cared for, the relationship thrives. They operate as a team rather than as two individuals navigating life in parallel.

A key element of secure functioning is the understanding that partners are in each other’s care. This does not mean sacrificing personal needs but recognizing that the relationship itself provides stability, energy, and support. When a relationship becomes strained, other parts of life, such as work, health, friendships, and personal growth, often feel the impact. By prioritizing emotional safety and fairness within the partnership, couples build a foundation that strengthens every other area of life. This deeply aligns with principles used in both attachment therapy and modern, neuroscience-informed couples therapy approaches.

This blog was inspired by Dr. Stan Tatkin’s book In Each Other’s Care, which offers meaningful insight into how couples can create more safety, connection, and collaboration. For those wanting to learn more, you may also enjoy our other blog article “How Do You Know if a Couple Is Secure Functioning?”.

If you and your partner want support in building a secure-functioning relationship, our PACT-trained therapists are here to help. We offer in-person and virtual couples therapy in the Kanata & Stittsville area, allowing couples to access guidance in a format that works best for them. Book online, or fill out our Appointment form.

Article written by Maryse Hebert, MA, Clinical Director & Registered Psychotherapist.