How to become more secure in your relationship: Core Principles Every Couple Needs for a Secure-Functioning Relationship

“Secure functioning partners do the right thing when the right thing is the hardest to the-core-principles-of-a-secure-functioning-relationshipdo. The right thing is what partners decide in advance. By operating autonomously and sticking to the principles decided upon, regardless of feelings or attitudes, the right thing happens, and now there is leverage.”

— Dr. Stan Tatkin

In my previous article, “What Is a Secure-Functioning Relationship? A Guide for Couples Seeking a Stronger, Safer Bond" I outlined the mindset and foundation required for couples to create a felt sense of emotional safety. Building on that, this post explores the key principles that help couples maintain secure functioning in their day-to-day relationship.

Secure-functioning relationships are grounded in fairness, mutual support, shared responsibility, and a strong pro-relationship stance. These principles, drawn from PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) developed by Dr. Stan Tatkin, help partners create a resilient, cooperative, and deeply connected relationship system.

Below are the essential principles couples can use to strengthen their bond and reduce threat in their partnership.

Below are some essential principles used in couples therapy and relationship therapy to help partners strengthen their bond and reduce threat in their relationship:

1. Putting the Relationship First

Putting the relationship first means prioritizing the wellbeing of the partnership—not just individual preferences. This pro-relationship stance demonstrates that you have your partner’s best interest in mind, which increases emotional safety and trust.

When the relationship is prioritized, both partners gain more energy, security, and space to pursue personal and shared goals.

2. Practicing Transparency

In a secure-functioning relationship, partners are equals, therefore sharing information openly and in a timely manner becomes essential. A helpful question to guide transparency is:“If my partner found out about this later, would they feel hurt or upset?”If the answer is yes, that’s your signal to share it now. Withholding information triggers threat perception, which can increase tension, distrust, and emotional distance. Transparency reinforces collaboration, fairness, and a shared sense of safety.

3. Proper Management of Thirds

“Thirds” refer to anything outside the couple that demands attention, like children, work, finances, extended family, hobbies, friendships, commitments, or even stress and addiction.

Poorly managed thirds can quickly wedge partners apart and create cycles of resentment, conflict, or insecurity. Secure-functioning couples co-manage thirds together, recognizing that external responsibilities affect both partners and the relationship. This equal, team-based approach prevents outside forces from creating unnecessary strain.

4. Creating and Following Agreements

Agreements help partners establish clear expectations, reduce ambiguity, and create stability in the relationship. Through healthy negotiation, reasoning, and compromise, couples work toward win-win solutions that honor both individuals’ needs. Agreements outline what behaviours support safety and what actions may threaten it. When agreements are co-created and consistently upheld, couples feel more grounded, respected, and aligned.

5. Leading With Relief

If the above principles have slipped, even unintentionally, your partner may feel hurt, threatened, or disconnected. Instead of defending or justifying your actions, secure-functioning partners lead with relief. This means moving quickly to soothe your partner’s distress, take responsibility, and repair the rupture. Dr. Stan Tatkin describes this beautifully in his article “Lead With Relief: It’s Not Logical, It’s Biological.”His work highlights that our brains are wired for connection and that timely repair is essential to maintaining safety and closeness.

Every relationship is unique, and these principles are most effective when they’re tailored to your relationship’s specific needs. Our PACT-trained therapists provide compassionate relationship therapy and couples therapy to help you and your partner apply these ideas in practical, meaningful ways.

We offer in-person and virtual couples therapy in Kanata, Stittsville, and virtually across Ontario, helping partners strengthen communication, emotional safety, and connection.

If you’d like support, you can book a session online or reach out to us through our Contact Us page.

Article written by Maryse Hebert, MA, Clinical Director & Registered Psychotherapist.